Here are some questions no one has ever been able to answer to my satisfaction. Someone help me settle these issues once and for all. And who knows? Maybe there'll be a prize in it for you.
1. Is there a good method, when driving at night, to determine if the pair of headlights behind you is a cop?
2. Toilet paper. Underhand or overhand?
3. Why is Colonel pronounced kernel?
4. Why do vitamins and tylenol and other pill-type things "expire"? It's still the same pill, right? Does something bad happen if you take it?
5. Why does the second half of my tank of gas deplete much faster than the first half?
6. I don't understand "suspension" as a school disciplinary method. A kid does something egregiously wrong, and as punishment he gets to... not go to school. And since he's out for three days, or the week, he falls further behind on studies that I'm guessing he wasn't on top of in the first place. I can see that maybe the point is to inconvenience the parents, but I'm guessing, again, they weren't all that involved to start with and they aren't going to change now. Why not just put the kid in the hole for a few days, like in prison?
7. In the song "I Love L.A." does Randy Newman really think he's making a compelling case for L.A?
8. Why doesn't a glass of coffee taste good?
9. Remember how the Sarlacc monster from Return of the Jedi would "slowly digest you over a thousand years"? and how this would be a "new definition of pain and suffering"? You'd be dead after, at most, a day or two in this thing's stomach, so isn't it really an empty threat?
10. One of the most common Vietnamese last names is pronounced "Win". Yet in English, it's spelled "Nguyen". That just doesn't make any sense.
11. Why do criminals get sentenced to 150 years in prison, or "Two consecutive life sentences" or things like that? Isn't that really stupid?
12. What happened to the "cents" symbol? You know, the c with the line through it?
13. Why is there that tire tread pattern on sticks of gum?
14. Why am I so grossed out by the words "Apple Butter" and "Body Butter"?
15. Technically, when you fart, do you gain weight?
16. How do you cast "The Ugly Girl" in your movie? So many comedies have the main character open the door to find his date is hideously ugly, or fat, or repulsive in some way - and that's the joke. Ha ha, she's ugly! How do you audition for a role knowing that your entire purpose in the film is for your face to just be exhibited so people can laugh at its ugliness? How do you advertise for that role, and then who shows up?
17. Is there any piece for piano that actually uses those bottom keys?
18. Do beggars sometimes accidentally beg other beggars? Then what happens? Does it get awkward?
19. How do they get the rubber bands on the lobster?
20. You know that scene in action movies where the good guy has his gun aimed at the bad guy, but the bad guy has a knife to the girl's throat - and the bad guy says something like "Drop it!" and the good guy slowly lowers his weapon and says something like "Okay... let's talk..." and then the bad guy drops his guard slightly and says "Aha! You fool! Now I'm going to kill both of you!" and then the good guy says "I don't think so." and does something clever and kills the bad guy? You know that scene, right? My question is, when the good guy has the bad guy at gunpoint and the bad guy is holding the knife at the girl's throat, why doesn't the good guy just shoot him in the face?
3 comments:
1. Learn what type of cars the cops drive in your neck of the woods - then memorize headlight configuration. I could make a mint on little stickers for rear view mirrors with cop headlight configs. on em...
2. Over, always. All you have to do is hit the roll and bam, paper.
3. Because the English language is such a fucking mish mash of different languages. I've been speaking it my whole life and I still don't have it down 100%.
4. They don't go bad per se, but they do have a half life. Over time, the efficacy of a drug (even when stored in a sealed container) goes down. It won't degrade into poison, it just won't be as effective as it once was.
5. Beats the shit out of me, man. You'd think that the lighter your car got, the more fuel efficient it would become...
6. It's ridiculous.
7. Don't forget that this is the writer of "Short People".
8. Man, I don't know. Iced coffee in a glass, tastes fine. Hot coffee in a glass, ick. Wtf?
9. lol
10. I don't even pretend to understand that shit. Maybe to make it look more ethnic.
11. Juuuuuuuust in case they live to be 150.
12. I think it passed on with the death of the typewriter. You'd think it would be more useful than say this ~ or this ^ - but who am I to say?
13. Because it's driving a burst of flavor into your mouth.
14. I am too, although I got over my loathing and I do eat apple butter.
15. I'll check today at the gym.
16. And is there an ugly girl casting couch? Maybe cleverly disguised as a buffet...
17. The foot ones? Yeah, they get used a lot.
18. I think each disappear when this happens.
19. And people say that they don't want illegal aliens taking the "good" jobs away...
20. I guess it's because of the big sign on the average American movie goer's head that says, "pander to me".
I think you're right on target with 1, 4, 12 and 20. Overhand toilet paper? I'll be honest, I was leaning toward underhand. I hate having to grope around the roll for the next sheet. But hey, I'll try that smacking trick.
I believe the answer to number 11 has something to do with parole eligibility. The longer the whole sentence the longer it would take to be eliglible and thus ensures that said criminal is locked up as long as possible.
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