Man Ass

There is just nothing more disgusting than Man Ass. Whether it’s lean or chunky, saggy or pert, hairy or olympic-swimmer-smooth, it’s the foulest thing that you’ll ever have to deal with.

I wouldn’t bring this up at all, (since man ass is so disgusting it shouldn’t even be talked about) except that I’m constantly confronted with it in the gym locker room. I turn around that privacy corner and then wham! Someone is naked, bent over, opening their combination lock.

Or worse, I enter an empty locker room, but I can hear a man in the shower. The only thing I have to do is not choose the locker next to his, so that when he exits the shower, he doesn’t walk up to me, nude and dripping, and indicate that his locker is right below mine. But which one to choose? His locker could be any of them. And of course, no matter which one I pick, I will have chosen exactly, perfectly wrong. “Hey buddy, can I get in here?” (Cue the knight from Last Crusade: You chose…. poorly.)

Back in 2000, or maybe ’01, I composed a short letter that I intended to anonymously post in the men’s locker room at the gym. Basically, it confronted people who were excessively nude and demanded that they towel themselves. I remember that it concluded with “Man ass is disgusting, and yours is not the magical exception.” I was really hoping to find a copy of this letter and print it here, but I think it’s been lost for good.

I didn’t actually put it up in the locker room. But a friend at work went to the same gym I did, and he DID put it up, without telling me, in one of the bathroom stalls. Supposedly, when he went to check on it an hour later, it was gone.

Basically, there’s been a civilizational breakdown in the world of the locker room. This is a room, valuable gym real estate, that is dedicated to providing men with a place of privacy where they can change, shower, and use the toilet. Somewhere along the line, people starting interpreting the permission to disrobe as some kind of license to be naked all the time. What was intended as a transitory state has somehow become the destination state.

To heterosexual men who don’t consciously and purposefully minimize their naked-time in the locker room: I ask these questions. Do you like looking at other naked men? Obviously, no. You know man ass is a horrifying spectacle. Why do you parade yourself around the locker room naked? Why hang the towel casually over your shoulder during the walk from the shower to the locker? Why brush your teeth or dry your hair naked?

When you stand at your locker, naked, and open it – this is what should be going through your head: “underwear… underwear… underwear… underwear…” not “hmmm… watch? Where’s my watch? And my comb! Where’s that comb?”

When naked in the locker room, this thought should never leave your mind: “How can I not be naked in the very near future, preferably immediately?” Even while in the shower, you be can active in this regard: “This person is walking by, so I think I’ll turn sideways and present a profile, minimizing the nakedness.”

(Note to gyms: put curtains in there. Or at the very least, a mid level "man ass" shield)

I don’t care if you have the manliest, sexiest physique in the world, NO MAN wants to look at your nudeness, particularly your grotesque man ass. I know you like your own ass, hell, I like mine. But I’m a realist about the effect it must have on others.

By the way, ladies: do you gals actually like man ass, or do you simply tolerate it? When considering the pros and cons of not being a woman, this certainly has to be a pro: Not being genetically conditioned to enjoy the sight of foul, rank man ass.